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Tina Fey as Sarah Palin Once Again with Full Transcript Below

With Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill, Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden.

Full Transcript of SNL Biden Palin Debate:

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Good evening, I’m Gwen Ifill… and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri for the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let’s welcome the candidates.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Hey, can I call you, “Joe”?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Of course.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Okay, ’cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you “Joe”!

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Okay, great!

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Now, tonight’s discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have ninety seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond “Do you agree?” or “Your response?”, so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book… [ she holds up her book ] “The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama”, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit… you should consider the debate a tie. [ Palin nods in agreement ] All right, let’s begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it’s been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I’ve done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I LOVE John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But, at the same time, he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let’s be frank, John McCain — and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for — is bad at his job and is mentally unstable. As my mother would say, “God love him, but he’s a raging maniac…” and a dear, dear friend.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Well, first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden! And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don’t look nearly as bad as everyone says! You know, John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks. And, gosh darnit, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that’s plaguin’ this great country of ours!

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: You know, we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves, “What would a maverick do in this situation?” And then, you know, we’ll do that! (Here, Tina Fey winks)

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And, again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only ONE other person it would be John McCain — no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time, let me say that again: time.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden’s comments about Senator McCain?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein’ an outsider. You see, while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I’ve been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs, and I’d also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also, too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government, “Hey, get outta my way! Stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!” But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: You know I get a little tired of being told I’m an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania! And that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re gonna find. I’ll show you around some time and you’ll see. It’s a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn’t stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place! It’s a genetic cesspool! So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute WORST place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Senator Palin, address your position on global warming and whether you think it’s man-made or not.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Gwen, we don’t know if this climate change hoozie-what’s-it is man-made or if it’s just a natural part of the “End of Days”. But… I’m not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you’re gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And ,also, too, the great Ronald Reagan. [ she nods proudly for the reference ]

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: I do. In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be NO distinction. I repeat, NO distinction.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Absolutely not! But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital. And, in a lot of ways, that’s just as good, if not better.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few, too. Not personally. But I know of them. I’ve seen “Ellen”. Oh! And there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn’t officially “a gay”, but, you know, we were pretty sure.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: I’m gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Are we not doing the talent portion? (plays a tune on the flute, winks, smiles)

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, your closing statement?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully. And I’m gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, “Hey, this lady is a dummy!” But I didn’t! Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat: Joe Biden… [ he acknowledges himself ] is better… than that. [ he points to Palin, who waves ] So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant… you dopes got schooled, Biden-style!

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: I liked being here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their “follow-up questions”, “fact-checking”, or “incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order”. I’m, uh — I’m happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn’t like politics as usual or pronouncin’ the “g” and the end of the words she’s sayin’ I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home — Maverick. [ she mimes popping a beer can pull tab, throws one back, and smiles ]

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The book drops November 4th, and, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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Presidential Debate with Barack Obama, John McCain + Transcript

Hee-larious! Perhaps farce comes from, “far-seeing…” : )

 
Highlights – Thanks to NBC News:

After the candidates were introduced by Parnell’s Lehrer, who urged them to “look at one another up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable” throughout the debate.  He then asked first question about the candidates’ views on the financial recovery plan before Congress.  After Obama’s answer, Hammond’s McCain immediately proposed suspending the campaign.

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN : “Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal:  Effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns, and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests.  Next Tuesday, Kansas City-lemon meringue.  Saturday, Jacksonville-blueberry.  The following week, in Dallas-coconut custard.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Senator Obama?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Jim, I don’t see the value of this. (pause)  Maybe the blueberry.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “But Senator McCain, what does this have to do with the issues in this election?”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Nothing at all, Jim.  It’s what in my campaign we call a ‘stunt’ or a ‘gimmick.’  Something to shake up the race.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “That’s what it sounds like.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “That’s all it is.  A little ‘straight talk’ there.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Still Senator, I would like to hear your position on the bailout plan.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, what the American people need to understand, and what Senator Obama does not understand, is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially Congressional earmarks, and pork-barrel projects.  Like this one:  75 million to the Department of Justice, for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood.  I fought that earmark, and got the funding reduced to 41 million.  And how about this?  8.2 million for something called ‘Tony Rezko Hush Money.’”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors.  And I think you know that.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Senator, the fact is, to fund all the other programs you’re planning, will require a massive tax increase.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, once again, you’re not being truthful about my proposals.  Under my tax plan, not only would every American making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut; so would most members of the Chicago City Council as well as city Building Inspectors.  That’s because my plan would not tax income from bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds, or extortion.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “I just thought of something.  Senator Obama, why don’t you and I immediately suspend our campaigns, and instead do three town hall meetings, where we appear nude or semi-nude.  I think the American people have a right to know what their President would look like with no clothes on.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Look, I’m not comfortable with that, Senator. I have two young daughters.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “October 4th, Hartford:  completely naked, with optional posing strap.  October 9th, Nashville:  see-through body stockings.  October 17th, Seattle:  modified Chippendales-collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo, or fringed leather chaps.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Again, I don’t see the point.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “I think we’ll let the two of you work that out.  But for now let’s turn to the war in Iraq.  Senator Obama, what has this war taught us?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Look, as you know, Jim, I opposed this war from the very beginning, when it was not the politically popular thing to do.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Yet, Senator, you voted against the ‘surge,’ a strategy that I have been arguing for since 1985.  Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops, in case we ever did invade.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, think about that for a moment.  That doesn’t even make sense.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Perhaps not to you, Senator.  That’s because you’re not a ‘maverick.’”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, the fact is, the ‘surge’ was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this Administration, policies you initially supported.  As you have supported this President 90 percent of the time.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, my opponent knows that’s not true.  I’ve never supported President Bush.  I have undermined President Bush.  Just ask any Republican:  I have always been disloyal to this President, a disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my Party whenever it most needed me.  The fact is, you simply can’t count on John McCain.  And that’s why, on November 4th, the American people will elect me their next President.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Alright.  Now let’s turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation.  Senator Obama, you have frequently been critical of this Administration’s efforts to stop Iran and North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs. What would you do differently?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “First of all, Jim.  I would use traditional diplomacy.  Something this Administration has consistently refused to do.  Should that fail, then, and only then, I would try what I call ‘playing the race card.’”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And how would that work?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Take North Korea.  I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country’s nuclear weapons program.  If he declined, I would say to him:  ‘Alright, I get it.  I know why you’re really refusing to stop the program.’  And he would say, ‘No, what are you talking about?’  And I would say, ‘It’s because I don’t look like all the other Presidents you’ve dealt with.’  Then he would say, ‘Wait.  That’s not fair.  That has nothing to do with it.’  And I would add, ‘That’s cool, I understand.  I’m different.  I’m not like the other guys on the five and ten dollar bills.’  It’s a long, delicate process.  But eventually, he’ll have to give in.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And what if he didn’t?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Then I would try the ‘carrot:’ dinner with Scarlett Johansson.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “For me she would, yes.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. MCCAIN: “Look, my friends.  I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is.  But let me tell you something.  No President should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “That’s interesting, John.  Coming from the guy who sang, ‘Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.’”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Obviously, my opponent doesn’t understand.  There was a musical combo called the Beach Boys.  Who recorded a song that went ‘Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann’ which sounds like, ‘Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.’  Evidently, he’s unaware of that.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Okay.  I had hoped to explore the candidates’ views of the War on Terror, but we are just about out of time.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, may I throw out one more offer?  My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns.  We’re airdropped into Waziristan, and neither of us comes back until we’ve found and captured Osama Bin Laden.  It’s a ‘maverick’ move, and it could break this race wide open.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “I can’t.  I have a fundraiser at Rob Reiner’s.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “I know it’s not the safe thing to do politically.  But if there’s any chance of catching Bin Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Really?  You’d rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become President?”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Truthfully, yes.  At this point, I don’t really care anymore.  I mean it.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And that concludes tonight’s debate.  I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn’t show up.  I’m sorry it didn’t work out.  From all of us here at the Gertrude C. Ford Center, thank you and good night.”

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