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SNL – Will Ferrell as President Bush, Tina Fey as Gov. Sarah Palin,
Will Forte as trusted aide Jeff, Jason Sudeikis as Todd Palin,
Darrell Hammond as Sen. John McCain. More delightful hilarity
from a talented team…

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Hello, my fellow Americans. I have chosen to schedule this impromptu address at night because quite frankly every time I speak during the day, the Stock Market goes in the crapper. So, sorry, Asian markets. You take the hit on this one. I come to you tonight in the midst of a very important election between two very qualified candidates… the hot lady and the Tiger Woods guy. Both candidates are heavily patriotized and display much characterization. And yes, I did have three Xanax and a Silver Bullet about a half-hour ago. I’m out of here in a few months, so screw it. But before I leave I wanted to help Sarah Palin and John McCain by giving them what every candidate wants most: a prime-time heavily publicized network endorsement from George W. Bush. Hey, don’t pinch yourself John, you are awake!” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Now I tried to do this several months ago but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…” (WILL FORTE enters as trusted aide Jeff and whispers in BUSH’s ear) WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “What? What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me Jeff? I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me. Uh, four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone. So… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.” (TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN enters smiling, waving and sits on desk next to BUSH) TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Where’s McRage?” TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’… but unfortunately Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband Todd and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines. WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Well, we’ll smoke him out. George, uh, smoke ‘m out… George Bush always finds his man… save for one huge exception.” TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “We are gonna get ‘er done.” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “My God you are folksy.” TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “Why thank you Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy and a little dash’a high school bitchy.” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “For a little while I was trying to be folksy but after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President. As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…” TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down the first day.” (JASON SUDEIKIS appears as TODD PALIN in ‘Team Arctic’ racing suit pushing DARRELL HAMMOND as JOHN MCCAIN ahead of him.) JASON SUDEIKIS AS TODD PALIN: “We out-mavericked the maverick!” DARRELL HAMMOND AS JOHN MCCAIN: “Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.” (DARRELL HAMMOND weakly puts out left hand; WILL FERRELL grabs ahold with right hand, won’t let go even though HAMMOND tries to retract hand) WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Good to see you, John. Hey let’s get a photo of this; it’ll really help your campaign out. (Fey as Palin smiles, poses with fist under chin, hand on elbow) Now let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “John was there for me ninety percent of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote – picture THIS FACE right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George Dubya Bush.” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: You welcome. So, I want to be there for you John, for the next eight years.” TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “The next sixteen years!” WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: (to off-camera photographer) “Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody. (Tina Fey as Sarah Palin lifts skirt a bit, poses, winks) But most of all I support them because… Live from New York… It’s Saturday Night!!”

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Tina Fey as Sarah Palin Once Again with Full Transcript Below

With Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill, Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden.

Full Transcript of SNL Biden Palin Debate:

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Good evening, I’m Gwen Ifill… and welcome to Washington University in St. Louis Missouri for the first and only 2008 Vice Presidential Debate between the Republican nominee, Governor Sarah Palin of Alaska, and the Democratic nominee, Joe Biden of Delaware. Let’s welcome the candidates.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Hey, can I call you, “Joe”?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Of course.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Okay, ’cause I practiced a couple of zingers where I call you “Joe”!

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Okay, great!

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Now, tonight’s discussion will cover a wide range of topics including domestic and foreign policy matters. Each candidate will have ninety seconds to respond to a direct question, and then an additional two minutes for rebuttal and follow-up. As moderator, I will not ask any follow-up questions beyond “Do you agree?” or “Your response?”, so as not to appear biased for Barack Obama in light of my new book… [ she holds up her book ] “The Breakthrough: Politics of Race in the Age of Obama”, coming out on Inauguration day and available for pre-order on Amazon.com. And, finally, we would like to remind our audience that, due to the historically low expectations for Governor Palin, were she simply to do an adequate job tonight, and at no point cry, faint, run out of the building or vomit… you should consider the debate a tie. [ Palin nods in agreement ] All right, let’s begin. Senator Biden, how, as Vice President would you work to shrink the gap of polarization that has sprung up in Washington?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Well, I would do what I have done my whole career, whether it’s been dealing with violence against women or putting 100,000 police officers in the streets. I would reach across the aisle. Like I’ve done with so many members of the other party. Members like John McCain. Because, look, I LOVE John McCain. He is one of my dearest friends. But, at the same time, he’s also dangerously unbalanced. I mean, let’s be frank, John McCain — and again, this is a man I would take a bullet for — is bad at his job and is mentally unstable. As my mother would say, “God love him, but he’s a raging maniac…” and a dear, dear friend.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin. How will your administration deal with the current financial crisis?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Well, first of all, let me say how nice it is to meet Joe Biden! And, may I say, up close your hair plugs don’t look nearly as bad as everyone says! You know, John McCain and I, we’re a couple of mavericks. And, gosh darnit, we’re gonna take that maverick energy right to Washington and we’re gonna use it to fix this financial crisis and everything else that’s plaguin’ this great country of ours!

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: How will you solve the financial crisis by being a maverick?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: You know, we’re gonna take every aspect of the crisis and look at it and then we’re gonna ask ourselves, “What would a maverick do in this situation?” And then, you know, we’ll do that! (Here, Tina Fey winks)

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, how would your administration address the current financial crisis?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Barack Obama and I understand that we need to regulate Wall Street. John McCain voted against Wall Street regulation 41 times. Let me repeat that. 41 times! And, again, this is a man I love. If I had to spend the rest of my life on a desert island with only ONE other person it would be John McCain — no doubt about it. I mean, you should see the way my face lights up when he walks into a room. But the fact is, John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time, let me say that again: time.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you like to respond to Senator Biden’s comments about Senator McCain?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: No thank you, but I would like to talk about bein’ an outsider. You see, while Senator Biden has been in Washington all these years, I’ve been with regular people. Hockey moms and Joe Six-packs, and I’d also like to give a shout out to the third graders of Gladys Woods Elementary who were so helpful to me in my debate prep. Also, too, you see, I think a bit differently from an insider. I don’t think it’s patriotic to pay more taxes. I don’t think it’s patriotic to criticize these wars we got goin’ on. I do think it’s patriotic to tell the government, “Hey, get outta my way! Stop tryin’ to impose on my right to shoot wolves from a helicopter!” But a Washington insider like Joe Biden probably disagrees.

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: You know I get a little tired of being told I’m an insider. I come from Scranton, Pennsylvania! And that’s as hard-scrabble a place as you’re gonna find. I’ll show you around some time and you’ll see. It’s a hellhole! An absolute jerkwater of a town! You couldn’t stand to spend a weekend there. It is just an awful, awful sad place filled with sad, desperate people with no ambition! Nobody, and I mean nobody, but me, has ever come out of that place! It’s a genetic cesspool! So don’t be telling me that I’m part of the Washington elite, because I come from the absolute WORST place on Earth: Scranton, Pennsylvania! And Wilmington, Delaware is not much better.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Senator Palin, address your position on global warming and whether you think it’s man-made or not.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Gwen, we don’t know if this climate change hoozie-what’s-it is man-made or if it’s just a natural part of the “End of Days”. But… I’m not gonna talk about that, I would like to talk about taxes, because, with Barack Obama, you’re gonna be paying higher taxes. But not with me and my fellow maverick. We are not afraid to get maverick-y in there and ruffle feathers and not got to allow that. And ,also, too, the great Ronald Reagan. [ she nods proudly for the reference ]

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: The next question is for you, Senator Biden. Do you support, as they do in Alaska, granting same-sex benefits to couples?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: I do. In an Obama-Biden administration, same-sex couples would be guaranteed the same property rights, rights to insurance, and rights of ownership as heterosexual couples. There will be NO distinction. I repeat, NO distinction.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: So, to clarify, do you support gay marriage, Senator Biden?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: Absolutely not! But I do think they should be allowed to visit one another in the hospital. And, in a lot of ways, that’s just as good, if not better.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, would you extend same-sex rights to the entire country?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: You know, I would be afraid of where that would lead. I believe marriage is meant to be a sacred institution between two unwilling teenagers. But don’t think I don’t tolerate gay people. Because I do. I tolerate them with all my heart. And I know quite a few, too. Not personally. But I know of them. I’ve seen “Ellen”. Oh! And there was this one girl on my college basketball team. She wasn’t officially “a gay”, but, you know, we were pretty sure.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin, what is your position on Healthcare regulation?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: I’m gonna ignore that question and instead talk about Israel. I love Israel so much. Bless its heart. There’s a special place for Israel in heaven. And I know some people are going to say that I’m only saying that to pander to Florida voters, but, from a very young age, my two greatest loves were always Jews and Cuban food.

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: I would now like to give each of you a chance to make a closing statement.

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: Are we not doing the talent portion? (plays a tune on the flute, winks, smiles)

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Senator Biden, your closing statement?

Jason Sudeikis as Joe Biden: My goal tonight was a simple one. To come up here and at no point seem like a condescending, egomaniacal bully. And I’m gonna be honest, I think I nailed it. Sure there were moments when I wanted to say, “Hey, this lady is a dummy!” But I didn’t! Because Joe Biden is better than that. I repeat: Joe Biden… [ he acknowledges himself ] is better… than that. [ he points to Palin, who waves ] So to all of the pundits who said I would seem cocky or arrogant… you dopes got schooled, Biden-style!

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Governor Palin?

Tina Fey as Sarah Palin: I liked being here tonight, answering these tough questions without the filter of the mainstream gotcha media with their “follow-up questions”, “fact-checking”, or “incessant need to figure out what your words mean and why ya put them in that order”. I’m, uh — I’m happy to be speaking directly to the American people to let them know if you want an outsider who doesn’t like politics as usual or pronouncin’ the “g” and the end of the words she’s sayin’ I think you know who to vote for. Oh, and for those Joe Six-packs out there playing a drinking game at home — Maverick. [ she mimes popping a beer can pull tab, throws one back, and smiles ]

Queen Latifah as Gwen Ifill: Well, this concludes tonight’s debate. The book drops November 4th, and, “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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Presidential Debate with Barack Obama, John McCain + Transcript

Hee-larious! Perhaps farce comes from, “far-seeing…” : )

 
Highlights – Thanks to NBC News:

After the candidates were introduced by Parnell’s Lehrer, who urged them to “look at one another up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable” throughout the debate.  He then asked first question about the candidates’ views on the financial recovery plan before Congress.  After Obama’s answer, Hammond’s McCain immediately proposed suspending the campaign.

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN : “Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal:  Effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns, and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests.  Next Tuesday, Kansas City-lemon meringue.  Saturday, Jacksonville-blueberry.  The following week, in Dallas-coconut custard.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Senator Obama?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Jim, I don’t see the value of this. (pause)  Maybe the blueberry.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “But Senator McCain, what does this have to do with the issues in this election?”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Nothing at all, Jim.  It’s what in my campaign we call a ‘stunt’ or a ‘gimmick.’  Something to shake up the race.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “That’s what it sounds like.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “That’s all it is.  A little ‘straight talk’ there.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Still Senator, I would like to hear your position on the bailout plan.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, what the American people need to understand, and what Senator Obama does not understand, is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially Congressional earmarks, and pork-barrel projects.  Like this one:  75 million to the Department of Justice, for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood.  I fought that earmark, and got the funding reduced to 41 million.  And how about this?  8.2 million for something called ‘Tony Rezko Hush Money.’”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors.  And I think you know that.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Senator, the fact is, to fund all the other programs you’re planning, will require a massive tax increase.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, once again, you’re not being truthful about my proposals.  Under my tax plan, not only would every American making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut; so would most members of the Chicago City Council as well as city Building Inspectors.  That’s because my plan would not tax income from bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds, or extortion.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “I just thought of something.  Senator Obama, why don’t you and I immediately suspend our campaigns, and instead do three town hall meetings, where we appear nude or semi-nude.  I think the American people have a right to know what their President would look like with no clothes on.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Look, I’m not comfortable with that, Senator. I have two young daughters.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “October 4th, Hartford:  completely naked, with optional posing strap.  October 9th, Nashville:  see-through body stockings.  October 17th, Seattle:  modified Chippendales-collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo, or fringed leather chaps.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Again, I don’t see the point.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “I think we’ll let the two of you work that out.  But for now let’s turn to the war in Iraq.  Senator Obama, what has this war taught us?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Look, as you know, Jim, I opposed this war from the very beginning, when it was not the politically popular thing to do.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Yet, Senator, you voted against the ‘surge,’ a strategy that I have been arguing for since 1985.  Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops, in case we ever did invade.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, think about that for a moment.  That doesn’t even make sense.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Perhaps not to you, Senator.  That’s because you’re not a ‘maverick.’”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, the fact is, the ‘surge’ was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this Administration, policies you initially supported.  As you have supported this President 90 percent of the time.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, my opponent knows that’s not true.  I’ve never supported President Bush.  I have undermined President Bush.  Just ask any Republican:  I have always been disloyal to this President, a disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my Party whenever it most needed me.  The fact is, you simply can’t count on John McCain.  And that’s why, on November 4th, the American people will elect me their next President.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Alright.  Now let’s turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation.  Senator Obama, you have frequently been critical of this Administration’s efforts to stop Iran and North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs. What would you do differently?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “First of all, Jim.  I would use traditional diplomacy.  Something this Administration has consistently refused to do.  Should that fail, then, and only then, I would try what I call ‘playing the race card.’”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And how would that work?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Take North Korea.  I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country’s nuclear weapons program.  If he declined, I would say to him:  ‘Alright, I get it.  I know why you’re really refusing to stop the program.’  And he would say, ‘No, what are you talking about?’  And I would say, ‘It’s because I don’t look like all the other Presidents you’ve dealt with.’  Then he would say, ‘Wait.  That’s not fair.  That has nothing to do with it.’  And I would add, ‘That’s cool, I understand.  I’m different.  I’m not like the other guys on the five and ten dollar bills.’  It’s a long, delicate process.  But eventually, he’ll have to give in.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And what if he didn’t?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Then I would try the ‘carrot:’ dinner with Scarlett Johansson.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il?”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “For me she would, yes.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. MCCAIN: “Look, my friends.  I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is.  But let me tell you something.  No President should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “That’s interesting, John.  Coming from the guy who sang, ‘Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.’”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Obviously, my opponent doesn’t understand.  There was a musical combo called the Beach Boys.  Who recorded a song that went ‘Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann’ which sounds like, ‘Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.’  Evidently, he’s unaware of that.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Okay.  I had hoped to explore the candidates’ views of the War on Terror, but we are just about out of time.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, may I throw out one more offer?  My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns.  We’re airdropped into Waziristan, and neither of us comes back until we’ve found and captured Osama Bin Laden.  It’s a ‘maverick’ move, and it could break this race wide open.”

ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “I can’t.  I have a fundraiser at Rob Reiner’s.”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “I know it’s not the safe thing to do politically.  But if there’s any chance of catching Bin Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Really?  You’d rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become President?”

HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Truthfully, yes.  At this point, I don’t really care anymore.  I mean it.”

PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And that concludes tonight’s debate.  I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn’t show up.  I’m sorry it didn’t work out.  From all of us here at the Gertrude C. Ford Center, thank you and good night.”

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Tina Fey once again plays Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler plays Katie Couric in another comedy sketch on Saturday Night Live. Adorable! And, phenomenal! : ) 

 
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Did you enjoy your week in New York City?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “You know I did, Katie, and I wasn’t sure I would at first. New York is, of course, home to the Liberal Media Elite. But Todd and the kids had a great time goin’ to the Central Park, F.A.O. Schwarz and that goofy evolution museum.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “So, sounds like the trip was a success?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Well, there were some funny moments. For instance, I had fifteen to twenty false alarms when I thought I saw Osama Bin Laden driving a taxi. I was embarrassed to be wrong but mostly disappointed I wasn’t right! Also, in an effort to bone up on foreign policy I went to the Times Square area to see a film called, ‘The Bush Doctrine.’ It was not about politics.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “You went to the UN for the first time. How was that experience?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “You know, it was just amazing. So many interesting people. Though I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreigners. I promise that when Senator McCain and I are elected, we’re gonna get those jobs back in American hands.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “How did the world leaders you met with, react to you?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “They embraced me, Katie. Both figuratively and, a couple of them Pakistani guys, literally. But they were all so welcoming. Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan. Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq. Or Bono, the King of Ireland.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “On foreign policy, I want to give you one more chance to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience based on Alaska’s proximity to Russia. What did you mean by that?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Well, Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border. (using her hands to illustrate) You got Alaska here, this right here is water, and this is Russia. So, we keep an eye on them.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “And how do you do that exactly?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do, is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around. And if there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, ‘What are you doing here?’ and if they can’t give you a good reason, it’s our responsibility to say, you know, ‘Shoo! Get back over there!’

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Senator McCain attempted to shut down his political campaign this week in order to deal with the economic crisis. What’s your opinion of this potential 700 billion dollar bailout?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this. We’re saying, ‘Hey, why bail out Fanny and Freddie and not me?’ But ultimately what the bailout does is, help those that are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy to help…uh…it’s gotta be all about job creation, too. Also, too, shoring up our economy and putting Fannie and Freddy back on the right track and so healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reigning in spending…’cause Barack Obama, y’know…has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans, also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants. That’s gonna help. But one in five jobs being created today under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know…Also…”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “What lessons have you learned from Iraq and how specifically, would you spread democracy abroad?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Specifically, we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Yes, but specifically what would you do?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “We’re gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “But again, and not to belabor the point. One specific thing.”

(several seconds of FEY and POEHLER staring at each other)

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Katie, I’d like to use one of my lifelines.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “I’m sorry?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “I want to phone a friend.”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “You don’t have any lifelines.”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Well in that case I’m gonna just have to get back to you!”

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Forgive me, Mrs. Palin, but is seems to me that when cornered, you become increasingly adorable. Is that fair to say?”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “I don’t know, is it?” (She gestures ‘cutely’)

AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Governor Palin, is there anything else you’d like to say other than ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?’”

TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: Yes, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Thanks to NBC News!

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