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Transcript:
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “Good evening, my fellow Americans. I was so excited when I was told Senator Clinton and I would be addressing you tonight.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “And I was told I would be addressing you alone.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “Now I know it must be a little bit strange for all of you to see the two of us together. What with me being John McCain’s running mate.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “And me being a fervent supporter of Senator Barack Obama — as evidenced by this button.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “But tonight we are crossing party lines to address the now very ugly role that sexism is playing in the campaign.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “An issue which I am frankly surprised to hear people suddenly care about.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “You know, Hillary and I don’t agree on everything…”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: (OVERLAPPING) “Anything. I believe that diplomacy should be the cornerstone of any foreign policy.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “And I can see Russia from my house.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “I believe global warming is caused by man.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “And I believe it’s just God hugging us closer.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “I don’t agree with the Bush Doctrine.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “I don’t know what that is.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “But Sarah, one thing we can agree on is that sexism can never be allowed to permeate an American election.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “So please, stop photoshopping my head on sexy bikini pictures.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “And stop saying I have cankles.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “Don’t refer to me as a ‘MILF.’”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “And don’t refer to me as a [flurge]. I Googled what it stands for and I do not like it.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “So we ask reporters and commentators, stop using words that diminish us, like ‘pretty,’ ‘attractive,’ ‘beautiful.’”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “‘Harpy,’ ‘shrew’ and ‘boner shrinker.’”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “While our politics may differ, my friend and I are both very tough ladies. You know it reminds me of a joke we tell in Alaska…”What’s the difference…
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “Lipstick.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “…between a hockey mom…”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “Lipstick.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “…and a pitbull?”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “Lipstick.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN(AFTER A BEAT): “Lipstick. Just look at how far we’ve come. Hillary Clinton, who came so close to the White House. And me, Sarah Palin, who is even closer. Can you believe it, Hillary?”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: (AFTER A PAUSE)”I can not.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “It’s truly amazing and I think women everywhere can agree, that no matter your politics, it’s time for a woman to make it to the White House.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “No. Mine! It’s supposed to be mine! I need to say something. I didn’t want a woman to be President. I wanted to be President and I just happen to be a woman. And I don’t want to hear you compare your road to the White House to my road to the White House. I scratched and clawed through mud and barbed wire and you just glided in on a dog sled wearing your pageant sash and your Tina Fey glasses.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “What an amazing time we live in. To think that just two years ago, I was a small town mayor of Alaska’s crystal meth capitol. And now I am just one heartbeat away from being President of the United States. It just goes to show that anyone can be President.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “Anyone.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “All you have to do is want it.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: (LAUGHS) “Yeah, you know, Sarah, looking back, if I could change one thing, I should have wanted it more.” (RIPS OFF PIECE OF PODIUM)
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “So in the next six weeks, I invite the media to be vigilant for sexist behavior.”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “Although it is never sexist to question female politicians’ credentials. Please ask this one about dinosaurs. So I invite the media to grow a pair. And if you can’t, I will lend you mine.”
TINA FEY / SARAH PALIN: “And as we say in Alaska – ”
AMY POEHLER AS HILLARY CLINTON: “We say it everywhere – ”
FEY/POEHLER: “Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!” |
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