Here’s a beautiful Wolf Poster with” Rules for Healing”
Gorgeous! : )
Here’s a beautiful Wolf Poster with” Rules for Healing”
Gorgeous! : )
Presidential Debate with Barack Obama, John McCain + Transcript
Hee-larious! Perhaps farce comes from, “far-seeing…” : )
Highlights – Thanks to NBC News:
After the candidates were introduced by Parnell’s Lehrer, who urged them to “look at one another up to and beyond the point it becomes uncomfortable” throughout the debate. He then asked first question about the candidates’ views on the financial recovery plan before Congress. After Obama’s answer, Hammond’s McCain immediately proposed suspending the campaign.
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN : “Jim, I would like to take this opportunity to make my opponent a proposal: Effective immediately, each of us suspend our campaigns, and instead hold a series of three pie-eating contests. Next Tuesday, Kansas City-lemon meringue. Saturday, Jacksonville-blueberry. The following week, in Dallas-coconut custard.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Senator Obama?”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Jim, I don’t see the value of this. (pause) Maybe the blueberry.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “But Senator McCain, what does this have to do with the issues in this election?”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Nothing at all, Jim. It’s what in my campaign we call a ‘stunt’ or a ‘gimmick.’ Something to shake up the race.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “That’s what it sounds like.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “That’s all it is. A little ‘straight talk’ there.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Still Senator, I would like to hear your position on the bailout plan.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, what the American people need to understand, and what Senator Obama does not understand, is that the real problem here is excessive government spending, especially Congressional earmarks, and pork-barrel projects. Like this one: 75 million to the Department of Justice, for a program to notify convicted sex offenders when a child moves into their neighborhood. I fought that earmark, and got the funding reduced to 41 million. And how about this? 8.2 million for something called ‘Tony Rezko Hush Money.'”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, I withdrew that earmark right after he began cooperating with prosecutors. And I think you know that.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Senator, the fact is, to fund all the other programs you’re planning, will require a massive tax increase.”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, once again, you’re not being truthful about my proposals. Under my tax plan, not only would every American making less than $250,000 per year get a tax cut; so would most members of the Chicago City Council as well as city Building Inspectors. That’s because my plan would not tax income from bribes, kickbacks, shakedowns, embezzlement of government funds, or extortion.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “I just thought of something. Senator Obama, why don’t you and I immediately suspend our campaigns, and instead do three town hall meetings, where we appear nude or semi-nude. I think the American people have a right to know what their President would look like with no clothes on.”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Look, I’m not comfortable with that, Senator. I have two young daughters.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “October 4th, Hartford: completely naked, with optional posing strap. October 9th, Nashville: see-through body stockings. October 17th, Seattle: modified Chippendales-collar and bowtie, with tear-away tuxedo, or fringed leather chaps.”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Again, I don’t see the point.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “I think we’ll let the two of you work that out. But for now let’s turn to the war in Iraq. Senator Obama, what has this war taught us?”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Look, as you know, Jim, I opposed this war from the very beginning, when it was not the politically popular thing to do.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Yet, Senator, you voted against the ‘surge,’ a strategy that I have been arguing for since 1985. Long before anyone even thought of invading Iraq, I wanted to add more troops, in case we ever did invade.”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, think about that for a moment. That doesn’t even make sense.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Perhaps not to you, Senator. That’s because you’re not a ‘maverick.'”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “John, the fact is, the ‘surge’ was itself a remedy for a series of failed military policies by this Administration, policies you initially supported. As you have supported this President 90 percent of the time.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, my opponent knows that’s not true. I’ve never supported President Bush. I have undermined President Bush. Just ask any Republican: I have always been disloyal to this President, a disloyal, unreliable, untrustworthy renegade, who has abandoned my Party whenever it most needed me. The fact is, you simply can’t count on John McCain. And that’s why, on November 4th, the American people will elect me their next President.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Alright. Now let’s turn to the topic of nuclear proliferation. Senator Obama, you have frequently been critical of this Administration’s efforts to stop Iran and North Korea’s nuclear weapons programs. What would you do differently?”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “First of all, Jim. I would use traditional diplomacy. Something this Administration has consistently refused to do. Should that fail, then, and only then, I would try what I call ‘playing the race card.'”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And how would that work?”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Take North Korea. I would ask Kim Jong-Il to shut down his country’s nuclear weapons program. If he declined, I would say to him: ‘Alright, I get it. I know why you’re really refusing to stop the program.’ And he would say, ‘No, what are you talking about?’ And I would say, ‘It’s because I don’t look like all the other Presidents you’ve dealt with.’ Then he would say, ‘Wait. That’s not fair. That has nothing to do with it.’ And I would add, ‘That’s cool, I understand. I’m different. I’m not like the other guys on the five and ten dollar bills.’ It’s a long, delicate process. But eventually, he’ll have to give in.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And what if he didn’t?”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “Then I would try the ‘carrot:’ dinner with Scarlett Johansson.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Would she agree to have dinner with Kim Jong-Il?”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “For me she would, yes.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. MCCAIN: “Look, my friends. I have no idea who Scarlett Johansson is. But let me tell you something. No President should ever tell our enemies what we might do in a negotiation.”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “That’s interesting, John. Coming from the guy who sang, ‘Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.'”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Obviously, my opponent doesn’t understand. There was a musical combo called the Beach Boys. Who recorded a song that went ‘Bar-bar-bar, bar-Barbara Ann’ which sounds like, ‘Bomb-bomb-bomb, bomb-bomb Iran.’ Evidently, he’s unaware of that.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Okay. I had hoped to explore the candidates’ views of the War on Terror, but we are just about out of time.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Jim, may I throw out one more offer? My opponent and I both suspend our campaigns. We’re airdropped into Waziristan, and neither of us comes back until we’ve found and captured Osama Bin Laden. It’s a ‘maverick’ move, and it could break this race wide open.”
ARMISEN AS SEN. OBAMA: “I can’t. I have a fundraiser at Rob Reiner’s.”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “I know it’s not the safe thing to do politically. But if there’s any chance of catching Bin Laden, I would rather lose my life than win an election.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “Really? You’d rather risk capture by Al Qaeda than possibly become President?”
HAMMOND AS SEN. McCAIN: “Truthfully, yes. At this point, I don’t really care anymore. I mean it.”
PARNELL AS JIM LEHRER: “And that concludes tonight’s debate. I would like to thank our candidates, our audience and Senator Hillary Clinton who flew down here just in case Senator McCain didn’t show up. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. From all of us here at the Gertrude C. Ford Center, thank you and good night.”
Here’s the Proof from ‘Reliable Investments’
Another very finely polished and honed advisory ad from
“Reliable Investments” – now is the time to take all your
money and, invest! Major cute, and tragic,
in a fun way! :O
Farley the little red panda was rescued at just a few weeks old. He had not been fed by his mother.
Farley, the Incredibly Adorable Little Red Panda Who Survived Against the Odds : )
The keepers tried to feed Farley with a bottle, but he soon came down with a virulent internal infection.
They rushed him to the zoo hospital and put him on a heavy regimen of antibiotics and tube feedings.
Eventually little Farley recovered to become a fluffy and delightful ball of roly-poly fun.
He was placed in an enclosure with a fellow young and playful red panda. They enjoy each other immensely, and sleep together.
Also very cool:
Oh and while you’re at it, check out the hippos licking
crocs, and the fainting goats! Amazing!
Now, warning alert – Could this be possible? It’s been rumored by very reliable sources with video proof that little red pandas such as Farley are being skinned for their fur, while still alive… if this is true, it it beyond heartbreaking, and we must do everything we can to stop such from occurring. Source of Information HERE…
Please research your own information on this, and if true, we must avoid purchasing makeup brushes and other sources of Red Panda and/or Panda Dog fur.
THE COMPLETE SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE VIDEO CLIP
WITH TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN AND AMY POEHLER
AS HILLARY CLINTON
SNL SKIT WITH JOHN MCCAIN IMPERSONATOR
APPROVING" TRUTH -ENHANCED" ADS
(Above – pics of “Precious Crew.” doggy loves hamster, hamster moves at speed of light she’s always blurry, kitty hangs off her blanket that was to be washed : )
“Not too long ago, I was very sick.
I thought I might die. I looked around
me, suddenly noticing things I would
miss the most.
I would miss the birds singing. Their
song is so wondrously beautiful.
I would miss the warm sun filtering
through gorgeous green leaves. Such
a work of art.
I would miss my favorite computer
games. They are so much fun, and
give me so much joy.
I would miss candlelight, the promise
of a great movie, and a hot tub of
freshly popped popcorn.
I would miss the adorable face and
softness of my little hamster. She is
cute beyond measure.
And my doggy and kitty. They need
But mostly, I would miss my family.
In my mind’s eye, I suddenly see all
the fun times, the laughter, those
small moments that rushed by like
I remember falling over laughing so
hard at their jokes, and the wonderment
I felt at how clever and awesome they
were – and still are.
I remember their smiles, their concern
for me, for others. And, I remember a
time I almost lost someone. When you
you almost lose someone, you start to
realize how extraordinarily precious they
are to you.
What’s interesting is what I would not
I would not miss going to work at my
computer. I would not miss billing people,
arguing with people over small things,
trivial things, or money.
I would not miss buying most of the silly
things I own. I would not miss any times
I’ve been angry or upset.
I would not miss the times I hurt someone
or some thing.
I would not miss all those wasted moments
when I ignored what I have and wished for
things I didn’t have.
I would not miss having a big beautiful
luxurious hotel or mansion or tons of guys
liking or admiring me.
I would not miss drinking or carousing or
creating mischief with myself or others.
I would not miss stolen kisses with people
I didn’t really care about.
You would think someone would miss those
No. Instead, I would mostly miss the happy
joy of my family or friends when I was able to
do something for them… with them. I will miss
the little mouse that scampered away when
I saved him. I would miss all those smiles and
joyful, tender moments when I was able to
give love, and, be loved.
That’s what I learned when I thought I was
going to die.
Now that I’m still around, I’ve changed. What
used to be so important, isn’t so much anymore.
Oh – and another thing… when you think you’re
a goner, you realize how unimportant it really
is what other people think of you.
It’s what you think of yourself, and how you
are able to forgive, and love those other people.
Oh, if I only knew then, what I know now!”
Tina Fey once again plays Sarah Palin and Amy Poehler plays Katie Couric in another comedy sketch on Saturday Night Live. Adorable! And, phenomenal! : )
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Did you enjoy your week in New York City?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “You know I did, Katie, and I wasn’t sure I would at first. New York is, of course, home to the Liberal Media Elite. But Todd and the kids had a great time goin’ to the Central Park, F.A.O. Schwarz and that goofy evolution museum.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “So, sounds like the trip was a success?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Well, there were some funny moments. For instance, I had fifteen to twenty false alarms when I thought I saw Osama Bin Laden driving a taxi. I was embarrassed to be wrong but mostly disappointed I wasn’t right! Also, in an effort to bone up on foreign policy I went to the Times Square area to see a film called, ‘The Bush Doctrine.’ It was not about politics.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “You went to the UN for the first time. How was that experience?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “You know, it was just amazing. So many interesting people. Though I have to say, I was disheartened by how many of them were foreigners. I promise that when Senator McCain and I are elected, we’re gonna get those jobs back in American hands.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “How did the world leaders you met with, react to you?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “They embraced me, Katie. Both figuratively and, a couple of them Pakistani guys, literally. But they were all so welcoming. Be it from Hamid Karzai, the President of Afghanistan. Jalal Talabani, the President of Iraq. Or Bono, the King of Ireland.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “On foreign policy, I want to give you one more chance to explain your claim that you have foreign policy experience based on Alaska’s proximity to Russia. What did you mean by that?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Well, Alaska and Russia are only separated by a narrow maritime border. (using her hands to illustrate) You got Alaska here, this right here is water, and this is Russia. So, we keep an eye on them.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “And how do you do that exactly?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Every morning, when Alaskans wake up, one of the first things they do, is look outside to see if there are any Russians hanging around. And if there are, you gotta go up to them and ask, ‘What are you doing here?’ and if they can’t give you a good reason, it’s our responsibility to say, you know, ‘Shoo! Get back over there!’
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Senator McCain attempted to shut down his political campaign this week in order to deal with the economic crisis. What’s your opinion of this potential 700 billion dollar bailout?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Like every American I’m speaking with, we’re ill about this. We’re saying, ‘Hey, why bail out Fanny and Freddie and not me?’ But ultimately what the bailout does is, help those that are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy to help…uh…it’s gotta be all about job creation, too. Also, too, shoring up our economy and putting Fannie and Freddy back on the right track and so healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reigning in spending…’cause Barack Obama, y’know…has got to accompany tax reductions and tax relief for Americans, also, having a dollar value meal at restaurants. That’s gonna help. But one in five jobs being created today under the umbrella of job creation. That, you know…Also…”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “What lessons have you learned from Iraq and how specifically, would you spread democracy abroad?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Specifically, we would make every effort possible to spread democracy abroad to those who want it.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Yes, but specifically what would you do?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “We’re gonna promote freedom. Usher in democratic values and ideals. And fight terror-loving terrorists.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “But again, and not to belabor the point. One specific thing.”
(several seconds of FEY and POEHLER staring at each other)
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Katie, I’d like to use one of my lifelines.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “I’m sorry?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “I want to phone a friend.”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “You don’t have any lifelines.”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “Well in that case I’m gonna just have to get back to you!”
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Forgive me, Mrs. Palin, but is seems to me that when cornered, you become increasingly adorable. Is that fair to say?”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: “I don’t know, is it?” (She gestures ‘cutely’)
AMY POEHLER AS KATIE COURIC: “Governor Palin, is there anything else you’d like to say other than ‘Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night?'”
TINA FEY AS SARAH PALIN: Yes, Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Thanks to NBC News!
The Guy in the Glass
by Dale Wimbrow, (c) 1934
When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,
And the world makes you King for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.
For it isn’t your Father, or Mother, or Wife,
Who judgement upon you must pass.
The feller whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.
He’s the feller to please, never mind all the rest,
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful guy,
But the man in the glass says you’re only a bum
If you can’t look him straight in the eye.
You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years,
And get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
If you’ve cheated the guy in the glass.
Dale Wimbrow 1895-1954
Below are some real answers by kids to a kid’s question on Yahoo Answers. Unfortunately, the original question and answers were removed, so all we have left is what’s below.
QUESTION: MY MOM WONT LET ME EAT AT THE TABLE WITH A SWORD WHAT SHOULD I DO?Answer:
Just because your mom is a little unreasonable doesn’t mean you cant be reasonable. What you need to do is become a classically styled pirate, and don’t half *** it like some 5 year old going out to play. You need to Be a pirate 24/7; that means you need to have a bandanna, large boots, long hair, saggy clothes held up by an enormous belt (make sure you like them, you won’t ever be taking them off, not even to bathe, witch you also will not be doing), an exotic animal, and of course you’re sword. You must also always talk like a pirate, swear like a sailor, have no respect for women or officials you were not involved in electing, and be within arms reach of alcohol (but only manly kinds, no martinis or mojitos or any of that other gayness). After you have this all down pat you need to assemble a crew of the most insidious cut throats villains and scoundrels you’ve ever seen (friends of yours will probably do, you know the ones I mean) , go to some nearby body of water and rob peoples boats. So now when you go to the dinner table; sword in hand, animal on shoulder,bandanna on head, and loosely clad, and you’re mom starts giving you crap you can: a.) Tell her to can it ’cause you’re tankard is dry of rum b.) argue until you finally kowtow to that madness c.) compromise, agree to get rid of the animal, the bandanna, the clothes and to stop robbing people BUT YOU’RE A PIRATE DAGNABIT AND YOU WILL NOT BE WITHOUT YOU’RE SWORD. d.) You shove her away, take all the food, and runoff to live a life of high adventure and debauchery on the high seas. the choice is yours.
The saddest part is that a pirate is on the internet, crying about his mom. You should be ashamed. But I unders oh wait I don’t understand. Pirates don’t have moms much less cry. Grow a pair matey!
Give your mom a sword and force her to eat with it. Then she will know that eating with a sword is obviously the best way to eat food and she will never be able to go back to the “civilized” manner of eating with a fork, knife, etc… This will also make dinners much more exciting because, say for example, a certain food you do not like is served after you specifically said you did not want it. What do you do? you challenge your mother, who also wields a sword, to a death-match! Winner gets to clean up and loser end up, well, dead.
Dear CHILD, If you are at her table in her house and she is the one who pays the bills and for the food that is on the table that you eat, then do not break momzilla’s rule…Respect! When you are in your own home at your own table paying for your own food you may eat with a sword and your mom will need to except it. Now run along dear and don’t trip with that sword you might hurt yourself.
What, like as a knife? Seriously, just hide it under the table or something. Then, when you find something to cut, YELL, whip out the sword and bring it crashing down on the plate, cutting into the table. Then pull it out of the now ruined table and slowly lift it above your head, pointed towards the ceiling. Lower it back to the floor and set it down. Calmly resume eating. Act as if nothing has happened (not like anything did. You were just cutting your food!)
Depending on the type of sword, I would say, recommendations may vary for your situation.If your sword is a long sword then it probably extends as much as 4 feet. This is good in battle in a wide open field against warriors NOT wielding AK47’s but I wouldn’t recommend it for a cramped indoor area like say, a bathroom, closet, or dinner table.Now if it is a short sword, it is probably about 2-3 ft in length and is quite handy in close up face to face battles ESPECIALLY in close quarters indoors like say, a bathroom, closet, or dinner table. So if you find yourself constantly in battle with those seated at said table, I would by all means recommend overriding the cease and desist order and continue wielding your short sword at the dinner table.Now, if it is an Arabian sword then it will extend approximately 4 feet and will be curved with the sharp blade pointed outward. These swords are especially good while on horseback but the one-sided cutting action and lack of a definitive ‘point’ (they are curved like a sickle moon across the top of the blade) makes the Arabian sword unwieldy and disadvantageous in close quarters indoors in a bathroom, closet, or say, a dinner table. But if you are attempting to appear like a Bad Ace while not necessarily expecting to do battle from horse or camel back any time soon, then by all means, override the cease and desist order and whip out your Arabian sword while eating your hash browns and giblets. Its quite intimidating, I know this from experience.If it is nothing more than a plastic toy sword then you really just need to put the stupid thing back in your toy box, grow up, and eat your hash browns and giblets completely unarmed like the rest of us!
ok dude, i have had this problem…dont ask why.i just let it go, cause i love my mom and i wasnt real seriuos anyway, but you, you must be kinda whacked out, so do this, take your little sowrd and lay it on the table, pointing at her and tell her” my dinner or your life…” i hope she grabs it and takes your arm off lmmfao
Oh Good GRIEF!!!Don’t you have any manners?? Or respect your Mother?? Come on, she’s your Mom. It’s dinner or put down the sword for 30 or so minutes.And use your manners!!! Since WHEN exactly, do we need to eat with a sword at our side? Personally, mine stays be the Dining Room door during dinner.
Exactly what Abe Lincoln would do. Eat using a meat cleaver and a pitchfork instead. Keep your chainsaw close by with a tire iron and a box of contractor trash bags, so anyone who tries to stop this behavior (she said nothing about this, only the sword) will meet a strange and untimely demise.
You have the choice of survival modes here – self protection (sword) or sustenance (food) – which is more important? A malnourished swordsman is a weak swordsman. An unprotected trencherman is a weak trencherman. We are all defined in our lives by the choices we make. Choose wisely!
Simple, Ready your weapon, for your in for a dousy.Jump onto the table, swinging your faithful sword. Raise your weapon to the sky, and proclaim this feast to the lord agorhaoth. Then, with great justice and devotion, STRIKE DOWN THOSE WHO OPPOSE YOU.Or just bring an axe.
ok, i think most of us have gone through this phase at some point in our lives… the decision you make here can guarantee a spot as a high ranking ninja or a sword wielding lawyer… not much difference though, or 10-15 years in prison. What i did was i left my sword in my room one day and the ninjas attacked. After the ninjas stole all our knives i had to use the sword to protect us from them again and to slice our food. So just trust your ninja superiors are watching and leave it one day, it will happen. And the one’s asking what your problem is, they are the rejects of ninja society, so just ignore them.
-bring katanaYour mom still complains and broke the katana into pieces — she’s a ninja.-bring axeShe complains even more.-throw axe at momIt’s too heavy!-bring glockShe points her fully-loaded AK47 to you and tells you to drop it off. -call chuck norris It’s lame joke already. -bring homie Yo mommas so fat she rolls all over your homies and made pancakes out of them. -bring nuke Your mom screams at you after seeing the uranium bills. -press nuke button GAME OVER Would you like to (restart), (restore), or (quit)?
Is it a two handed sword? Or is a rapier? Maybe she has your best interest in mind. I mean it would be hard to eat with a two handed sword! I mean a rapier at least you could slice and dice dinner – but the two handed you would just destroy everything….Think about it…
You tell me when you’re going to eat. Tell your mom you’re leaving your sword in the bedroom, like she wants. I’ll come in with my sword and hack the place up. When it’s over you say, “See, that’s why I need to have my sword at the table.”
You would not do anything. As your father, I would threaten to beat your *** until your nose bleed if you disobeyed your mother. Play with your sword outside, eat dinner with the family at the table. It really is just that simple. Answer:
ok we do not live in midevil times and you really dont need a security sword do you. unless of couse you have to cross a bridge spanning across a lake of lava with a fire breathing dragon on the other side. then keep the sword.
Dress up like a knight or something and come up to the table with the sword. Act like it’s just like a normal day, do not even acknowledge that you are dressed up or whatever. She’ll get a kick out of that!!
Tell her to shut up and get back in the kitchen where she belongs.
Stewart Mitchell – The Sunday Times
You don’t need to be a tree-hugger or a Felicity Kendal fetishist to dabble with self-sufficiency. Last summer’s floods left more than 300,000 Britons without fresh water and 50,000 without power, and 2008 is shaping up to be another bumper year for kayak sales. If things do go wrong, many of us lack the wherewithal to fend for our family. But it doesn’t have to be that way.
A little research and preparation can save your bacon – or at least leave you less reliant on supermarkets. Whether you want to generate your own electricity to beat potential power cuts (and Russian gas-baron price hikes) or simply keep a few chickens for fresh eggs in case you get snowed in, the web is the ultimate utility – at least until it goes down.
BACK TO BASICS
Self-sufficiency websites are generally rough around the edges, focusing on content and compost rather than flashy graphics, and the UK-based www.selfsufficientish.com is no exception. Without being environmentally kooky, it is packed with practical things such as alternatives to mains-supplied water and is full of handy links to like-minded sites. It also boasts quirky ideas from enthusiastic contributors around the world.
Take, for example, the Australian Nev Sweeney’s improvised hay box cooker, in which a casserole full of freshly boiled ingredients can maintain its heat for up to 20hr in order to cook a hearty beef stew under its own residual heat. It works like a slow-cooker but needs no external power.
The problem with many such sites, though, is that they are often more about downsizing or saving the planet than putting food on your plate, and this can soon grate. The better sites, such as Allotment.org.uk, avoid this trap, though; see tinyurl.com/34npvl for down-to-earth tips and even a practical advisory service for the budding smallholder.
With celebrity chefs such as Jamie Oliver and Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall promoting free-range birds for meat or eggs, the chicken’s stock has arguably never been higher. Keeping a few hens in the garden provides eggs for a family, and they make great pets for children. The Poultry Club of Great Britain has a solid advice section on all aspects of rearing, at tinyurl.com/2u8gg3 . Birds cost about £10 a head depending on breed but should give you an egg most mornings. For the occasional omelette you won’t need a cock for your flock – they make too much noise for the suburbs and can be aggressive – so unless you’re breeding for the pot, opt for an all-female harem.
Whatever breed you choose, your feathered friends need a home, and the newbie-friendly www.omlet.co.uk supplies nifty Eglu houses and runs for hens that will blend into an Islington back garden. The company even provides the birds. Eglu prices start at £360, but there’s nothing to stop you cobbling something together from scrap wood, as long as it’s foxproof. For ideas on coop designs try www.backyardchickens.com.
If the husbandry bug bites, and space allows, www.smallholder.co.uk has good articles on the fundaments of raising animals, from alpacas to bees. On that note, the touching Beekeeper’s Diary at www.conwy-valley.org.uk is genuinely sweet.
If your garden is to be an emergency resource, a vegetable patch is a must. Dinner is on your doorstep and a leek pulled from the ground minutes before going in the pot tastes far better than one that’s wallowed in a warehouse for a week. This requires a commitment of time and effort, but is very satisfying. Most homegrowers start with a few herbs in pots, or a tomato patch, and graduate to a fuller garden.
Keeping edible goodies in the ground all year requires some planning, and even crop rotation. Thankfully, www.gardenaction.co.uk has a simple calendar and a forum in which gnomish types often answer queries.
Start by positioning a plot in full sunlight, away from trees and hedges, which leech water and nutrients. Then dig around the Times Online guide at tinyurl.com/2bq3cl , where the spadework has been done for you. To expand your harvest variety www.seedsofitaly.com sells all manner of seeds.
Drought and floods, potentially caused by climate change, will have a big impact on water supplies, say experts at www.water.org.uk/home/policy/ climate-change . The possibility of changing weather patterns makes it imperative to have a supply of drinking water to hand. Opinion is split about the shelf life of bottled water so consider replacing any stores at least once every two years. Or if the stomach-churning truths at www.water-pollution.org.uk put you off mains water for good, the alternative is to sink a well or borehole on your property, which if fitted professionally should banish water bills and additives such as fluoride. However, a site inspection must be carried out by the Environment Agency, and a new installation costs between £5,000 and £15,000. The Groundwater Forum has practical tips at tinyurl.com/youcua.
For a quick fix, the water purification tablets aimed at backpackers will keep you hydrated in an emergency, although better still is the SteriPEN Adventurer water purifier (www.steripen.com), which uses ultraviolet light to destroy 99% of microbes in less than a minute.
With water and a belly full of food, all is good with the world, but as power supplies become less reliable and the weather more freakish, keeping warm becomes an issue.
A wood-burning stove can be built into most homes, even in smoke-free areas, and will give enough heat to warm all but the largest of houses. Expert advice is recommended, though, and www.stovesonline.co.uk offers guidance on building regulation requirements and a good range of multi-fuel stoves.
Wood is a good carbon-neutral, renewable energy source. The Forestry Commission has done extensive research on this and offers practical PDF-based resources at tinyurl.com/2y6wmc .
Still not convinced? The Log Pile (www.nef.org.uk/logpile) quotes running costs of wood stoves as lower than electricity and gas, so you won’t necessarily want to wait until the next natural disaster to fire the beauty up. The site, run by the National Energy Foundation, says electric heating costs 3.9p to 7.6p per kilowatt hour (kWh), gas 2.8p, and woodchip from 1.5p to 2.1p. Logs can be free, but the cost can rise to 5.1p per kWh if they are bought in small quantities. Finding renewable wood can be trickier, but www.bigbarn.co.uk/logpile/ indexen.php is an excellent sourcing tool.
Most of us don’t have a stream to harness for free electricity, but that doesn’t mean we can’t generate a little backyard buzz, either from solar panels or from wind turbines. With politicians keen to prove their green credentials, grants are available from the Low Carbon Building Programme (www.lowcarbonbuildings.org.uk ) for certain micro-generation technologies.
Wind systems use an inverter and controller to convert DC electricity to AC. Any excess electricity can be exported to the grid and sold to the local electricity supply company. According to the Department for Business Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, an emergency back-up supply of 1kW might cost £1,500, whereas a 2.5kW to 6kW self-sufficiency system would cost between £10,000 and £25,000 installed.
In a power cut, the food in your freezer will last about eight hours, Southern Electric advises at tinyurl.com/35j7ct . Fear not: Machinemart.co.uk sells a 2.0kVA generator powered by a reliable four-stroke Honda petrol engine that can provide the equivalent of mains power for £305, at tinyurl.com/3e4t9g .
This should be sufficient to run some lights, a freezer and even your laptop. Remember, though, that if you store petrol, it has to be kept somewhere safe.
Land rovers go beyond
InGear teamed up with Land Rover, the Royal Geographic Society and the Institute of British Geographers two months ago to offer readers the chance to win funding for a trip of a lifetime. Now we have a winner.
The judging panel from The Sunday Times and RGS-IBG have given their backing to a group called Team Latitude. The team has come up with an ambitious plan to circumnavigate the world along a single line of latitude, 50 degrees north. They will receive a Land Rover 110 Defender for the trip, and a £10,000 grant.
The expedition plans to leave Cornwall in the spring and travel overland through Europe, central Asia and Canada. Along the way they will observe and record how changes in climate affect people’s lives.
Spike Reid, the leader, said: “All team members are massively interested in geography, so this is a real once-in-a-lifetime experience. We can’t wait to get started.”
Nick Rufford, InGear editor and judging panel member, said: “We were deluged with applications, showing our readers’ thirst for adventure. We wish Team Latitude the best of luck on their journey.”
This little fellow walks into the store, chooses his
favorite flavor of Dorritos, and skadaddles out…
He must favor the MSG… :O