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WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Now I tried to do this several months ago but somehow it kept getting pushed to a written press release or a shouted sentence as I walked to the helicopter. I began to suspect that they didn’t want my endorsement to be too public. But now with the country on a big upswing and my numbers on the rise, I thought it was time to give a proper, large scale “much love” to McCain and Palin…”

(WILL FORTE enters as trusted aide Jeff and whispers in BUSH’s ear)

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “What? What? Really? Why didn’t you tell me Jeff? I’ve just been told by my trusted aide Jeff, that the country is actually in a horrible downward spiral and that my approval numbers are lower than ever. That one’s on me. Uh, four months ago, I declared the Oval Office a bummer-free zone. So… You know what, let’s bring on Senator McCain and Governor Palin.”

(TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN enters smiling, waving and sits on desk next to BUSH)

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “So nice to meet you, Mr. President. I’ve seen you on TV.”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Where’s McRage?”

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “You know, John McCain and I have been so busy travelin’ around this great country of ours talkin’ about change and energy independence and William Ayers, and doin’ a little shoppin’… but unfortunately Senator McCain, upon hearing you wanted to give him a super public endorsement, cannot be found. He was last seen travelin’ on foot through the Adirondacks. But my husband Todd and two of his drinkin’ buddies are in pursuit on snowmachines.

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Well, we’ll smoke him out. George, uh, smoke ‘m out… George Bush always finds his man… save for one huge exception.”

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “We are gonna get ‘er done.”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “My God you are folksy.”

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “Why thank you Mr. President. I like to think I’m one part practiced folksy, one part sassy and a little dash’a high school bitchy.”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “For a little while I was trying to be folksy but after a bit, it just came off douchey. All right, let me get into my endorsement for you as Vice President. As you know America, the office of Vice President is the most important office in the land. The Vice President decides when we go to war, how we tax the citizens and how we interpret the Constitution. The President can do nothing without checking with the Vice President. That is why Sarah Palin…”

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “Actually, Mr. President, I don’t want to go all Katie Couric on you, but I think it’s actually the other way around. I think the Vice President reports to the President.”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Really? That’s not what Dick Cheney told me when he sat me down the first day.”

(JASON SUDEIKIS appears as TODD PALIN in ‘Team Arctic’ racing suit pushing DARRELL HAMMOND as JOHN MCCAIN ahead of him.)

JASON SUDEIKIS AS TODD PALIN: “We out-mavericked the maverick!”

DARRELL HAMMOND AS JOHN MCCAIN: “Good evening, my friends. Mr. President, always a pleasure.”

(DARRELL HAMMOND weakly puts out left hand; WILL FERRELL grabs ahold with right hand, won’t let go even though HAMMOND tries to retract hand)

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “Good to see you, John. Hey let’s get a photo of this; it’ll really help your campaign out. (Fey as Palin smiles, poses with fist under chin, hand on elbow) Now let me do this: I, George W. Bush, endorse John McCain and Sarah Palin with all my heart…”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: “John was there for me ninety percent of the time over the last eight years. When you think of John McCain, think of me, George W. Bush. Think of this face. When you’re in the voting booth, before you vote – picture THIS FACE right here. A vote for John McCain is a vote for George Dubya Bush.”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: You welcome. So, I want to be there for you John, for the next eight years.”

TINA FEY AS GOVERNOR SARAH PALIN: “The next sixteen years!”

WILL FERRELL AS PRESIDENT BUSH: (to off-camera photographer) “Let’s get a safety. I think I blinked on that last shot. Thumbs up, everybody.
(Tina Fey as Sarah Palin lifts skirt a bit, poses, winks) But most of all I support them because… Live from New York… It’s Saturday Night!!”

[The entire transcript of his speech is included below the video.]

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TRANSCRIPT
This is the text of the Commencement address by Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple Computer and of Pixar Animation Studios, delivered on June 12, 2005.

I am honored to be with you today at your commencement from one of the finest universities in the world. I never graduated from college.

Truth be told, this is the closest I’ve ever gotten to a college graduation.Today I want to tell you three stories from my life. That’s it. No big deal. Just three stories.

The first story is about connecting the dots.I dropped out of Reed College after the first 6 months, but then stayed around as a drop-in for another 18 months or so before I really quit. So why did I drop out? It started before I was born.

My biological mother was a young, unwed college graduate student, and she decided to put me up for adoption.

She felt very strongly that I should be adopted by college graduates, so everything was all set for me to be adopted at birth by a lawyer and his wife. Except that when I popped out they decided at the last minute that they really wanted a girl.

So my parents, who were on a waiting list, got a call in the middle of the night asking: “We have an unexpected baby boy; do you want him?” They said: “Of course.”

My biological mother later found out that my mother had never graduated from college and that my father had never graduated from high school. She refused to sign the final adoption papers. She only relented a few months later when my parents promised that I would someday go to college.

And 17 years later I did go to college. But I naively chose a college that was almost as expensive as Stanford, and all of my working-class parents’ savings were being spent on my college tuition.

After six months, I couldn’t see the value in it. I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life.

So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out OK. It was pretty scary at the time, but looking back it was one of the best decisions I ever made.

The minute I dropped out I could stop taking the required classes that didn’t interest me, and begin dropping in on the ones that looked interesting.

It wasn’t all romantic. I didn’t have a dorm room, so I slept on the floor in friends’ rooms, I returned coke bottles for the 5¢ deposits to buy food with, and I would walk the 7 miles across town every Sunday night to get one good meal a week at the Hare Krishna temple.

I loved it. And much of what I stumbled into by following my curiosity and intuition turned out to be priceless later on. Let me give you one example:

Reed College at that time offered perhaps the best calligraphy instruction in the country. Throughout the campus every poster, every label on every drawer, was beautifully hand calligraphed.

Because I had dropped out and didn’t have to take the normal classes, I decided to take a calligraphy class to learn how to do this.

I learned about serif and san serif typefaces, about varying the amount of space between different letter combinations, about what makes great typography great. It was beautiful, historical, artistically subtle in a way that science can’t capture, and I found it fascinating.

None of this had even a hope of any practical application in my life. But ten years later, when we were designing the first Macintosh computer, it all came back to me. And we designed it all into the Mac. It was the first computer with beautiful typography.

If I had never dropped in on that single course in college, the Mac would have never had multiple typefaces or proportionally spaced fonts. And since Windows just copied the Mac, its likely that no personal computer would have them.

If I had never dropped out, I would have never dropped in on this calligraphy class, and personal computers might not have the wonderful typography that they do.

Of course it was impossible to connect the dots looking forward when I was in college. But it was very, very clear looking backwards ten years later.

Again, you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future.

You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.

My second story is about love and loss.

I was lucky — I found what I loved to do early in life. Woz and I started Apple in my parents garage when I was 20. We worked hard, and in 10 years Apple had grown from just the two of us in a garage into a $2 billion company with over 4000 employees.

We had just released our finest creation — the Macintosh — a year earlier, and I had just turned 30. And then I got fired.

How can you get fired from a company you started? Well, as Apple grew we hired someone who I thought was very talented to run the company with me, and for the first year or so things went well. But then our visions of the future began to diverge and eventually we had a falling out.

When we did, our Board of Directors sided with him. So at 30 I was out. And very publicly out. What had been the focus of my entire adult life was gone, and it was devastating.

I really didn’t know what to do for a few months. I felt that I had let the previous generation of entrepreneurs down – that I had dropped the baton as it was being passed to me. I met with David Packard and Bob Noyce and tried to apologize for screwing up so badly.

I was a very public failure, and I even thought about running away from the valley. But something slowly began to dawn on me — I still loved what I did.

The turn of events at Apple had not changed that one bit. I had been rejected, but I was still in love. And so I decided to start over.

I didn’t see it then, but it turned out that getting fired from Apple was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life.

During the next five years, I started a company named NeXT, another company named Pixar, and fell in love with an amazing woman who would become my wife. Pixar went on to create the worlds first computer animated feature film, Toy Story, and is now the most successful animation studio in the world.

In a remarkable turn of events, Apple bought NeXT, I returned to Apple, and the technology we developed at NeXT is at the heart of Apple’s current renaissance. And Laurene and I have a wonderful family together.

I’m pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn’t been fired from Apple. It was awful tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it.

Sometimes life hits you in the head with a brick. Don’t lose faith. I’m convinced that the only thing that kept me going was that I loved what I did.

You’ve got to find what you love. And that is as true for your work as it is for your lovers.

Your work is going to fill a large part of your life, and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. And the only way to do great work is to love what you do.

If you haven’t found it yet, keep looking. Don’t settle. As with all matters of the heart, you’ll know when you find it. And, like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on. So keep looking until you find it. Don’t settle.

My third story is about death.

When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: “If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you’ll most certainly be right.” It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: “If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?”

And whenever the answer has been “No” for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.

Remembering that I’ll be dead soon is the most important tool I’ve ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important.

Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.

About a year ago I was diagnosed with cancer. I had a scan at 7:30 in the morning, and it clearly showed a tumor on my pancreas. I didn’t even know what a pancreas was. The doctors told me this was almost certainly a type of cancer that is incurable, and that I should expect to live no longer than three to six months.

My doctor advised me to go home and get my affairs in order, which is doctor’s code for prepare to die. It means to try to tell your kids everything you thought you’d have the next 10 years to tell them in just a few months. It means to make sure everything is buttoned up so that it will be as easy as possible for your family. It means to say your goodbyes.

I lived with that diagnosis all day. Later that evening I had a biopsy, where they stuck an endoscope down my throat, through my stomach and into my intestines, put a needle into my pancreas and got a few cells from the tumor.

I was sedated, but my wife, who was there, told me that when they viewed the cells under a microscope the doctors started crying because it turned out to be a very rare form of pancreatic cancer that is curable with surgery. I had the surgery and I’m fine now.

This was the closest I’ve been to facing death, and I hope its the closest I get for a few more decades. Having lived through it, I can now say this to you with a bit more certainty than when death was a useful but purely intellectual concept:

No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it. And that is as it should be, because Death is very likely the single best invention of Life. It is Life’s change agent. It clears out the old to make way for the new.

Right now the new is you, but someday not too long from now, you will gradually become the old and be cleared away. Sorry to be so dramatic, but it is quite true.

Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma — which is living with the results of other people’s thinking.

Don’t let the noise of others’ opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.

When I was young, there was an amazing publication called The Whole Earth Catalog, which was one of the bibles of my generation. It was created by a fellow named Stewart Brand not far from here in Menlo Park, and he brought it to life with his poetic touch.

This was in the late 1960’s, before personal computers and desktop publishing, so it was all made with typewriters, scissors, and polaroid cameras. It was sort of like Google in paperback form, 35 years before Google came along: it was idealistic, and overflowing with neat tools and great notions.

Stewart and his team put out several issues of The Whole Earth Catalog, and then when it had run its course, they put out a final issue. It was the mid-1970s, and I was your age.

On the back cover of their final issue was a photograph of an early morning country road, the kind you might find yourself hitchhiking on if you were so adventurous.

Beneath it were the words: “Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.”

It was their farewell message as they signed off. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish. And I have always wished that for myself. And now, as you graduate to begin anew, I wish that for you. Stay Hungry. Stay Foolish.

Thank you all very much.

See the pathos of all her friends… beautiful story, beautiful article:
http://blog.peta.org/archives/2008/10/rest_in_peace_d.php

It would be very hard to argue for whether Dorothy’s dear
chimpanzee friends have no feelings about her passing.

Their somber faces, sorrowful eyes say that they care very
much, and that they understand she is gone… forever.

Her human friends loved her dearly – Dorothy was a beautiful
bright soul that brought light and love into their daily routines.

Prayer: Dear Lord, Let there be a true, beautiful Heaven, and
let Dorothy spend all time in utter peace, joy and bliss…

We have so many miracles of beauty and wonderment in the
form of animals here on our incredible planet. Why do we treat
these other beings as if they have no feelings?

We must change…